April Fools’ Issue: Colonials remain unranked in solidarity

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

At a stirring pep rally in front of a packed Duques classroom, athletic director Pounda Beer-o announced his newest initiative to raise school spirit: The men’s basketball team will remain unranked in solidarity with the rest of the University.

The move will help the rest of the student body feel closer to its men’s basketball team in the wake of U.S. News & World Report kicking GW off its annual rankings in November, he added.

“We really need our students to continue to feel connected to our athletes. Because they’re students too. They were unranked too,” Beer-o said. “And now they’re doubly unranked.”

A banner commemorating the basketball team’s desire to remain unranked will soon hang on the Smith Center walls, complementing a recent $10 million renovation.

It would be the first banner added to the Smith Center rafters in six years, he pointed out, a sign of the Colonials’ desire to reach new heights.

“I mean, we’re quite literally reaching new heights with this banner,” Beer-o said. “No, seriously. We’re probably going to have a couple of the guys get on each others’ shoulders to put it up there.”

Head coach Mike Lookstowin stood by Beer-o’s side for the presentation.

Lookstowin stepped in front of the crowd, praising his team’s decision to support the University community and outlining the Colonials’ other accomplishments this season.

“It was, yeah, quite a year. We went to Brooklyn, I mean, it was basically a 24-hour bus trip, but we were physically there,” Lookstowin said.

Boosted by the new desire to remain unranked, Lookstowin promised an exciting 2013-14 campaign for the men’s basketball team.

To ensure they reach that goal, The Colonials are taking serious off-season strides, like discouraging recruits from actually attending the University, the head coach said.

“And, you know, starting some young guys really clicked for us this year,” Lookstowin pointed out. “So next year, I think you’ll see some high school freshmen play some starter’s minutes, definitely. If not middle schoolers.”

The men’s basketball team’s new goal comes at an important time – when GW is seeking to determine the true meaning of its newly-coined catchphrase, Beer-o said. The solidarity shown in unranking, Beer-o said, goes a long way in defining “Raise High.”

“We’ve talked a lot this year about, you know, what does “Raise High” mean to us? And clearly, it doesn’t mean to climb to a higher slot in the U.S. News & World Report rankings,” Beer-o said.

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