Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Monday

Office Hours with Napp

Sit down with the University’s head honcho and discuss how to improve the campus experience.
The F Street House – 3 to 3:01 p.m.

Wednesday

Chat with the Fuzz

University Gestapo Oh Hayy releases the number of residence hall monitors.
Mt. Doom Campus Secret Tunnel

Thursday

Campus Dining Symposium

Discuss the glory days of J-Street with the short guy from WOW! and the Wendy’s cashier with the long pinky nail.
Dorothy Betts Marvin Theatre – Noon

Sunday

Public forum: Pick the New Columbian College Dean

Just Kidding
Nowhere – Never