April Fools’ Issue: Newspaper comments suggest biased, cruel staff

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Le GW Hachét’s online comment section is under intense scrutiny after a recent investigation revealed more than a dozen allegations of bias against the twice-weekly student paper.

More than three quarters of reader comments in the last month called out Le Hachét for liberal bias, conservative bias, anti-Greek bias, pro-Greek bias, anti-administration bias, pro-administration bias, racism, sexism, homophobia, dog fighting, gambling addiction, adultery and an overall lack of journalistic integrity.

Multiple readers, including the most prolific commenter GWBro420, accused Le Hachét’s reporters and editors of being “muckrakers,” “third-rate journalists” or “totally fucking biased.”

Ninety percent of the 2,575 comments this year – from roughly 14 unique users – criticized the publication. Out of that figure, comments were equally divided between “actually constructive and relevant to the story” and “completely and utterly unintelligible.”

“I see it as a civic duty,” GWBro420, a sophomore, said about his twice-weekly obligation to comment. “Students deserve to know that the people associated with this publication are some of the most terrible, vindictive, cold-hearted excuses for human beings to ever walk the face of this planet.”

BuffandBlueChick had a bake sale for her paint-by-numbers club one night during her junior year and when she saw that no Le Hachét reporters arrived to cover the to-do, she became enraged.

“It was completely uncalled for,” she said. “These people take themselves seriously as journalists when they can’t even report the news. We baked eclairs for Christ’s sake!”

When BuffandBlueChick reported the incident to the University Gestapo, her complaints were dismissed due to the fact that absolutely no crime had been committed.

“Le Hachét totally has the Gestapo in their pocket,” she said. “People need to know about this corruption.”

One user, ConcernedAlumnus, is responsible for approximately 75 percent of relevant and constructive comments.

“To be honest, I spend most of my workday at my new job browsing the web,” he said. “And all of my Reddit posts get downvoted, so I comment on here instead.”

When contacted, Le Hachét editors declined to comment.

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