Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The University will ban sex within 25 feet of all campus buildings next fall, forcing fornication into the middle of the street.
The policy change – which encompasses all sexual activity – comes on the heels of the decision to implement a smoking ban on campus, which will officially begin next fall. Sex, like smoking, is already banned in all University buildings, although Senior Associate Hashtagger Tweeter Konwersky said he knows students still do it anyway.
Students found pounding each other in residence halls, academic buildings, GelHell and on sidewalks will be reported to Student Jail. University officials said they aren’t worried about students sneaking into student space hotspots to have sex since there isn’t any student space in the first place.
And although dozens of students have said they’re concerned that the spaces where they are allowed to fuck are dangerous, Konwersky said not to worry.
“They just need to let their guard down and be creative,” Konwersky said. “The middle of the road is an excellent place to get it on. It’s dangerous. If you’re a wuss, consider hoods of parked cars. Just please, everyone, stay away from 23rd Street – you’ll die.”
Dozens of students surveyed by Le Hachét said they were already trying out having sex in the street in preparation for next year’s policy change, experimenting with comfortable positions on gravel and practicing maneuvering through Segway tours.
Junior Lenda Handy said she doesn’t mind GW infringing on her personal right to sex, noting that she even gets turned on by University Gestapo watching her.
“Sometimes when I’m with some guy and I see one of the officers looking at me, I think it’s kinda hot,” Handy said. “One time, I even asked him to join, and he was totally up for it.”