April Fools’ Issue: Alternative Breaks end world poverty

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Economic development officials and leaders of non-governmental organizations announced at the World Bank last week that global poverty has hit an all-time low because of GW students’ alternative breaks efforts.

A high-tech PowerPoint presentation showed data that proved a causal relationship between Alternative Breaks’ bake sale revenue and worldwide declines in malnutrition. GW students drew praise for solving global problems that have flabbergasted experts for centuries.

“Quite frankly, we’re amazed GW students could be so productive in a week without booze,” said the World Bank president. “Now, homeless kids all have found homes, every dinner table in the Dominican Republic is filled and every home battered by hurricanes or tornadoes has been rebuilt.”

Alternative breaks leaders touted their accomplishments despite appalling conditions, recounting the terrors of 25-hour bus rides and 10-hour plane flights.

“We told you our bake sales would pay off,” one student said.

Still, she said she didn’t expect the group’s underwhelming and self-congratulatory projects would make much of a difference.

“We didn’t even build a house,” she said about her group’s volunteer work in an impoverished part of New Orleans. “We built a fence. A backwards fence. But it still looked really nice.”

The Pink Thong

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