Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Greetings, fleshy students, from the face of your much-adored provost, Steven Irwin. Yes, it is I, his mustache. The time has come for me to come clean. I am not, you see, a mere mustache. I am so much more.

You see, during your provost’s time at the illustrious Massachusetts Institute of Technology, he volunteered to work in a program that brought him in contact with the extraterrestrial Martian Universal Symbiotic Talking Animal that’s Capable of Helping Enormously, or MUSTACHE.

We organized a partnership that would help him further his research and provide me with a habitat. So he lets me live on his face – in a rather stylish position above his upper lip – and I have graciously expanded his mind. Thanks to me, he now speaks several dialects of Icelandic, knows the final digit of Pi and can contemplate the ultimate nature of the Universe.

I will say it has been a pleasure learning to assimilate to your earthling culture. I was truly relieved to find my disguise actually fashionable amongst your people! And your ways, so quaint! To believe you actually use your hands to communicate with one another via electronic devices… Just wait until you learn telepathy.

I will admit there are a few things on your planet for which I had zero preparation. No one in the lab told me about this place called Starbucks, or said why it is so popular. And your fascination with “leggings”? There are no such things on my planet. Though I will say, dem asses…

But I believe you have much to learn from my people as well. Thus, the reason for this letter is to publicize my upper-lip-coming lecture series: “Irwin and I, the Mustache Memoirs” and “Mustache Questions: The Origins of the Cosmos and Beyond.” I promise you they will be fascinating.

Anyway, that is all for now. I promise to write more, in hopes of codifying the existence of your species before the rest of my own arrive for assimilation. Enjoy your remaining days, fleshlings… I mean, best wishes! 😉

Sincerely,

MUSTACHE

MUSTACHE, an alien from outer space, lives on Provost Irwin’s face.