Doug Cohen: Place your bets this inauguration day

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Doug Cohen

The stage is set outside the U.S. Capitol, and there are subtle but steady sounds of Republicans fleeing the District. It’s time for President Barack Obama’s second inauguration.

With the swearing-in ceremony and festivities coming up this Monday, anticipation is growing on campus and elsewhere in the District.

While I’m excited to attend my first inauguration, many people have said that the anticipation pales in comparison to the historic ceremony four years ago. But if there is one thing that always makes an event more exciting, it’s betting. So to make this inauguration season a little more interesting, I have created a few betting lines that can be wagered on throughout the day.

Over/under: 800,000 people in attendance.

2-1 odds that First Lady Michelle Obama will be the best dressed.

Over/Under: Beyoncé sings 50 unnecessary syllables and adds 45 unnecessary seconds to “The Star-Spangled Banner.” I also love the contrast between having Beyoncé and James Taylor at the same event. Glad to know that even though Obama is bogged down in political crises, he is still covering all of his bases with the inaugural audience.

Over/under: 70 people – non-protestors – will be in attendance wearing gear honoring former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. That’s like when the fans of a losing championship team in sports attend the victory parade of the other team. Why would you ever do that? It’s a cry for help.

300-1 odds that any article of clothing or accessory being worn will be half of the total size of Aretha Franklin’s 2009 inaugural hat.

800,000-1 odds that anyone at the inauguration will have as bad of a widow’s peak as Congressman Paul Ryan, R-Wisc.

4-1 odds that Vice President Joe Biden will giggle and smirk the entire time Sonia Sotomayor recites the oath.

2-1 odds that Romney, with ruffled hair and a light spray tan in his continual attempt to appease Latinos, appears out of nowhere, right before Obama takes the oath, to try and salvage his campaign.

2-1 odds that Clint Eastwood will be found walking around aimlessly, muttering to himself.

1,456,357-1 odds that Donald Trump stops pretending he’s a relevant figure in American politics.

Over/under: There will be at least 6,706 #OnlyAtGW tweets on Inauguration Day.

376,547-1 odds that former United Nations Ambassador John Bolton will be in attendance. My guess is that the ambassador won’t be able to make it due to coming down with a case of ‘inauguration flu.’ We will miss you Ambassador Bolton.

So there are your inaugural betting lines. And be sure to check to see how Las Vegas adjusts them as we get closer to the actual day.

Doug Cohen, a senior majoring in political science, is a Hatchet senior columnist.

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