Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The University announced it caught the author of the @FakeStevenKnapp Twitter account this week, placing the blame on former University President Steven Dough Trachtenbucks during a late-night press conference Sunday.
University President Stealing a Nap said it was a terrible blow to morale to discover the man behind the Tweets, but was confident the sting would wear off the next time he looked at his $1 million paycheck.
After a months-long investigation that cost more than $50,000, GW was able to find the IP address of the poster, eventually tracing it back to a University computer used by Trachtenbucks.
“We assumed the Twitter account would be run by some GW tool who graduated years ago and really needs to get a life and move on,” Knapp said at the press conference. “But discovering that it was run by none other than a past president, well that was disappointing. Almost as disappointing as taking six months to find your house keys.”
The rancorous Twitter account saved no one from its spiked tongue. It regularly lampooned the Sigma Chi Association, the Bored of Rustys and the student body.
“Moving all Norokids to The Vern so it can finally be the leper colony it was made to be #gwu,” @FakeStevenKnapp tweeted in February.
“I just wanted to give the ol’ sourpuss some life,” Trachtenbucks said. “Most students aren’t that smart, you see, so I figured they wouldn’t realize it wasn’t actually Nap.”
Serving the University from 1988 to 2007 as president, Tractenbucks’ tenure was marked by a fraught relationship with the Foggy Bottom community, a result of the president’s tendency to bulldoze the homes of the elderly to erect office buildings. Some shitty newspaper that wasn’t The GW Toolbox dubbed GW the “University that fucking devoured Foggy Bottom” because of these expansion efforts.
Stopping the emeritus president from logging on will prove to be a difficult task for University administrators. Trachtenbuck’s contract with GW gives him wide authority in his actions. Instead, GW will dismiss Trachtenbuck’s personal secretary, which serves the University in two ways Nap said late Sunday. Not only is he showing his dominance over the emeritus president, but it is also saving the University more than $200,000 a year as Helen Interland ranks among the highest paid University officials in her job as secretary.
Trachtenbucks was unapologetic when reached for comment, blaming the administration for blowing the proportion out of proportion, and that the entire University really just needed to get laid.
“I mean, come on, it’s a joke,” Trachtenbucks said. “I know humor is a rare breed here now, but you would think someone would laugh. Just once? Maybe?”