Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
There are some facts about which The Toolbox continues to press administrators and prominent campus figures, only to be continually stonewalled. For the sake of a more informed dialogue and in deference to the University’s tuition-paying stakeholders, these are the questions that we seek an answer to:
To Bobbi Churnz:
How old are you actually? And what do you do?
To Sigma Chi:
What’s in the cigars?
To BJ Richardson:
Do you really get brunch with you grandparents that much? And when did you become such a dad?
To President Stealing a Nap:
Is Ruffles pure-bred or a mutt? And when will you take French to Kinkead’s? It’s sexist not to take the girl EIC.
Those games that you won. Did you cheat?
Why are there so many vice presidents?
Never mind, we’re cool with you.
Graduate School of Political Management:
Why can’t you just get your shit together?
What’s wrong with Amurrrrrica?
How much does it cost to ride in the van, and why do you only listen to chick music?
Why no block party?
Dylan F Pain:
Does the F stand for fifth floor?
People who punch ceiling tiles in Ivory:
What’s your damage?
Why are you so mean to Josh Perlnecklace?
How are you friends with Cornel West?
Why do you make every debate awkward?
Women at Gallery Grill in Ivory:
What did we do wrong?
Student Association Senate:
What the fuck do you do?
Why are your sandwiches so small? And why does it take so long? And has Kris Hart graduated?
Why aren’t you shirtless all the time?
Why do you have to leave?
What does “Raise High” mean?
Provost Steven Stache:
How long did it take to grow that moustache? And how much money from upkeep comes from the ITF?
The Mount Vernon Campus:
When will you get the hint?
GW Deli hot guy:
What’s your sign?
How fast are you going to go through those condoms?
Who is your hair stylist?
But most importantly of all, to Nap:
Are you buff enough? Well, are ya?