April Fools’ Issue: SA heralds 2-cent fee cut

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The Sigma Chi Association struck a hard deal with University administrators this week to lower the cost of water bottles on campus by a staggering 2 cents.

After more than eight months of lobbying, the executive team secured the 2-cent plunge in prices for all Poland Spring water bottles, found in two locations on campus. Students will pay $1.67 for each water bottle starting this fall.

“This is a big fucking deal,” BJ Dickerson, president of the Sigma Chi Association, said.

“The substance that is found in these bottles – H20 – is essential to student success. We are giving students access to essential life needs,” Dickerson said.

He added that he has been championing water availability for all students since he saw someone drinking D.C. tap water from a Kogan Plaza fountain his freshman year.

Dickerson’s right hand man, Jed Cost-I-Cut, credits the win to partnerships forged with the University’s administration.

“One time, Stealing a Nap called me by my first name,” Cost-I-Cut said.

The Fee Fighters meet with Nap for about seven minutes each month – time they say has proven invaluable to their lobbying efforts.

Dickerson, who lives about 20 minutes from the Poland Spring factory in Maine, said he spent months seeking out connections at the company to negotiate reduced costs for bottles.

“You know, my team and I worked really fucking hard on this. You’re welcome, GW,” Dickerson said. “Poland Spring was really interested in partnering with our cause, because we’re all so goddamn articulate.”

Cost-I-Cut said students will save about $100,000 in just one year, assuming each student buys 5 million bottles during that time. He said the figure was conservative, because he didn’t account for the gym biddies who buy new water bottles between Zumba and yoga classes, like, six times a week.

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