April Fools’ Issue: Residence hall vending machines add sex toys

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Starting next week, getting fucked will be as easy as pressing A4.

Sex toys will be sold in residence hall vending machines, the culmination of a yearlong bitchfest by the student organization Allied in Whine.

“This is a huge win for gay students, straight students and students who are just into some kinky shit,” Allied in Whine President Trey Hard said. “It’s convenient and progressive, and buying a 14-inch fake schlong without leaving The Dakota is why I came to GW.”

Leaders from Allied in Whine, who also successfully lobbied the University to sell condoms in vending machines two weeks ago, said it was evident that students had not been getting enough pleasure out of GW.

“And condoms, let’s face it, suck,” Hard said. “Everyone can admit it. Yes they’re important and healthy, but we all need a little something extra sometimes.”

Nestled between packets of Milano cookies and Kit Kat bars, students will be able to purchase a variety of pleasure-inducing instruments, ranging from vibrators to cock rings. Associate Dean Miller Lite said the $6.90-per-toy price was competitive with local vendors.

The Sigma Chi Association, the University’s student government, gave the green light to the project after also doing extensive research on the kinds of sex toys would best help students get off.

“Usually we just jack each other off the old fashion way in the SA. This was a nice change of pace,” SA President BJ Richardson said.

Richardson said he found butt plugs, nipple clamps and double-penetration dildos to be the most effective toys for stimulation.

“This is what students asked for. So we’re going to give it to them. Hard,” Dickerson said.

He added that while students have yet to jizz over miniscule fee cuts or an overhaul to unemployment services, this move would have them splooging through the rest of his presidency.

The University stopped short of funding every sex toy the SA and Allied in Whine requested.

“I’m sorry, but it would be an insult to George Washington himself to sell artificial vaginas on campus,” Miller Lite said.

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