April Fools’ Issue: Officials blame roof collapse on lack of walls

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The high school that infiltrates GW space wrecked part of campus Sunday when the wall-less building’s roof collapsed, damage that emergency responders attributed to flimsy infrastructure.

The roof of the School Without Walls caved in at about 10 p.m., destroying several classrooms that had been giving way for years. No injuries to students or faculty were reported, but parents and members of the Foggy Bottom community have long questioned the school’s architectural soundness.

“Do these kids deserve walls? Yes,” principal Francisco Sinparedes said. “But in this inner city school, we have to make do without. The budget simply does not allow for the cost of walls.”

The School Without Walls has been a Foggy Bottom mainstay for too fucking long, many University residents say. Students also incurred injuries during the school’s previous incarnations The School Without Floors, The School Without Friction, The School Without Exits, The School Without Air and The School Without Scruples.

Ear-piercingly loud kids wearing bright, blinding sneakers lined the streets Tuesday, after they arrived at their wall-less school only to learn that classes were canceled because they had no building.

Chief executive officer of Katzer Construction Company and local businessman Barry Katzer said that the school’s structural integrity was questionable at best.

“To be honest, I have no clue how that school stood as long as it did. How can something even be considered a building if it has no walls? It makes no sense,” Katzer said.

School Without Walls classes will be held at the Marvin Center Grand Ballroom on an interim basis, according to Censorship Queen No. 1. Rebuilding efforts for the school will commence Tuesday, and Sinparedes said walls will not be part of the school’s restoration.

“We may be a lot of things, be we are not The School Without Principles,” Sinparedes said. “We are not The School Without Resolve or The School Without Determination. We will get through this and continue to provide our students with a first class education without walls.”

“That’s crazy,” Katzer, whose company lost the bid to reconstruct the school to a rival firm, said. “That school should really have some walls on it. I feel like it would be cheaper in the long run to just build it like a normal school. Cinderblock isn’t that expensive.”

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