Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The Suck It Up And Play Committee released its findings Sunday, summing the result of its work in a simple mission statement: Just win more.

After a yearlong comprehensive review of GW athletics, its teams and facilities, the committee streamlined its findings into the one overarching desire for the Colonials to increase their number of victories.

It was a long and difficult process, Physical Activity Czar Trick Ne-yo said, but one that ultimately will prove beneficial for the future of athletics at the University.

“When you look at it, what we’re trying to do here is raise high a culture. And I want that raised high culture to be winning,” Ne-yo said. “Really, what we all agreed on was that we like raising high for wins better than losses.”

The mission statement comes with tangible ways of measuring the Colonials’ progress toward more victories, Ne-yo added.

The committee’s goal in creating the benchmarks, Ne-yo said, was to establish checkpoints so that it would be easy for teams to discern if they were winning more.

“We just really have to raise high these benchmarks. And the first will be scoring more points than our opponents. That’s a good first step. The second is to see if our opponents are scoring fewer points than we are. Usually a sign of winning,” Ne-yo said. “And the last one, of course, will just be to look really good while we’re playing. A physically attractive squad is a winning squad.”

The committee’s review also includes measures to ensure the Colonials have the tools they need to put more tallies in the win column. Most important for GW’s teams, Ne-yo said, will be to follow his new W.I.N.S. guidelines: Working out In the New Smitty.

If the teams follow his W.I.N.S. programs, they should be able to “grab the keys to victory,” Ne-yo said. He’ll back them up, he added, by joining the spirit program to boost morale.

“We just need to jump higher. Our swim teams should try to swim faster than other people, and we can give them jetpacks for that. Baseball, softball, should catch more balls than their rivals. That new team, sailing, they probably shouldn’t tip over in the water,” Ne-yo said.

If all else fails, Ne-yo said, the committee included a safeguard designed to help the teams win more. The Oh Horsehockey Student-Athletes Haven’t Increased Triumphs – or the O.H. S.H.I.T. – component of the review is a strategic contingency plan, he said.

“I mean, we have to prepare for the worst,” Ne-yo said. “Which is why we wrapped it up with a strategic plan that’s sort of part two of this review. If all else fails, we’ll just cheat more.”