April Fools’ Issue: McPhaddens tab balloons GW debt

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue

The University piled on an additional $420 million in debt this weekend, according to a bar tab passed along to The GW Toolbox.

Administrators insisted the move was meant to increase cash on hand, yet mobile upload photos posted to Facebook in Wednesday’s early morning hours suggest officials doled out copious amounts of cash to pay down their bar tab at the popular student hang-out McPhaddens.

“It’s important to insulate the institution from pressures in the marketplace,” Executive Vice President and Hoarder Loose Kash said of the additional debt. He declined to comment about his participation in the alleged festivities.

University President Stealing a Nap also declined to comment, referring all questions to the Ministry of Truth.

When reached for comment, University propagandist Still Jankey had no idea what The Toolbox was asking, again.

“First round on me,” S. Whineyell posted to the event page. “Those new housing fees are burning a hole in my pocket.”

One photo, showing Kash at the bar surrounded by piles of money, was captioned “dolla dolla billz, yo,” but has since been removed.

An event page, also on Facebook, suggests Nap won a McPhaddens happy hour – which entitles attendees to discounted drinks – on the same night.

“I finally won a happy hour!!” the event description read. “Say my name at the door!!!!!”

Those who confirmed their attendance via the social media website included much of Pasta Hall, including Associate Vice President of Student Financial Frustration Daniel Big and Vice President and Dean of Undergraduate Rejection Nathy Kapper.Senior Vice President for Student and Academic Support Bobbi Churnz was not listed as invited on the page.

“Everyone was sluggish Wednesday morning,” Churnz said. “I thought I heard someone getting sick when I walked by the bathroom, but when I went in to check, only Provost Steven Stache was there.”

Students who frequent the bar confirmed a change in McPhaddens’ normal atmosphere.

“The crowd did seem older last night,” senior Ty Pical said. “But I’ve never seen President Nap in person, so I don’t know if it was him.”

Cal added that the crowd was no less rowdy than usual.

“Come to think of it, there was an old guy at the bar shouting YOLO,” he said.

The University’s cash reserves stand at $6 billion dollars, Kash said. The fund will be used to cover operating expenses, including boosting administrator salaries and a makeover of Nap’s presidential portrait.

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