Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Monica Lewinsky finished off Clinton and his Global Initiative Saturday, delivering the keynote address to an auditorium of awaiting students, much to the former president’s dismay.
Lewinsky gave a mouthful of advice, speaking about the importance of staying headstrong as a young professional and how it will lead to endless opportunities where you won’t have to spend your life behind – but possibly under – a desk.
“Suck life’s opportunities dry,” Lewinsky said. “You may not know when a great idea hits you in the face, but you have to be ready when it comes. It might get messy but that’s part of the fun.”
When Lewinsky took the stage in a rather unwashed-looking blue dress, Clinton was seen sweating off to the side of the stage, visibly angered at the idea that she was giving the speech that many members viewed as the climax of the three-day event.
“From the moment she opened her mouth, I was displeased,” Clinton said. “I did not have prior relations with that woman’s communications team, so I was upset that she was selected by the initiative to give the speech. I should be the only one climaxing around here.”
He had been saving a cigar for the moment the event ended, but while backstage, it appeared as though he only had the cigar tube in hand, devoid of any cigar – a further sign of his distaste with Lewinsky.
Secretary of State, Class, Amazingness and Poise Hillary Clinton was unable to attend the event, as she was doing diplomatic work in Bangkok, but she did provide a statement regarding Lewinsky’s speech.
“I had doubts that she would be able to handle the sheer size of the Clinton Global Initiative, but she proved me wrong,” Clinton said. “She was able to take it all in, using that to her advantage to provide a good message.”
Lewinsky said she was very satisfied with the crowd turnout, noting that her reputation hasn’t been the greatest since her scandal with the president in 1998, but she remained optimistic for her address, speaking on lessons from her past.
“Sometimes to get ahead in life, you just need to take your pride and swallow it,” she said.
Junior Ovurr Uhcheever, who applied to attend the conference only to appease his need to fawn over political speakers, did not have anything to say about his actual project, but said Lewinsky’s speech got a rise out of the crowd.
“She truly knew how to blow all the other speakers out of the water,” Uhcheever said. “Her oral skill was something that could not be missed in terms of drawing the attention of every member in the audience.”