April Fools’ Issue: Hell holes permit raging

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

A deal with the federal government will allow GW to eliminate restrictions on alcohol consumption and recreational drug use in the University’s most detested residence halls.

Students stuck in MitcHell and Da Vern dorms this fall will receive a pass from the Unloved Police Department, part of the University’s effort to appease biddies who have spent weeks poring over the room swap site looking for actual dorms.

“Calm your shit, people,” S. WhineYell, director of GW Homewrecking, said of the hundreds of students who have sent him hate Tweets and crude drawings on that iPhone game. “There’s literally nowhere else to put you and your massive egos.”

MitcHell, which has retained a creepy atmosphere and strange smell from its days as a mental institution, houses about 350 students, most of whom have been unfairly placed there even though they, like, pay full tuition.

University President Stealing a Nap said that he hopes the changes will encourage social interactions and even friendships between the residents of MitcHell and Vern dorms, though he doubts even profuse amounts of alcohol and weed will loosen up “those loners.”

“That place is a lost cause,” Nap said, adding that the University paid a “butt ton” of money to convince federal officials that this was not a horrible idea.

The Ministry of Truth refused to say how much money changed hands during the deal.

The University will also be installing new carpeting specially designed to absorb vomit, bong water and tears, Nap said. Obviously, The Ministry of Truth declined to comment again.

The change comes about a week after the most violent housing-related protests in University history.

The Class of 2015 learned last week that all rising sophomores were assigned either MitcHell or Vern dorms next fall, inciting a revolution that quickly overtook campus. Armed with Kony 2012 stickers no one wanted anymore and old pairs of Sperry’s to chuck at upperclassmen living in Ivory Palace, the freshman protest did not let up through the night.

“This is our Tahrir Square! C’est la revolution!” Dylan F. Pain, former Sigma Chi Association tool, said from atop the Kogan Plaza rotunda. Pain, who may actually be graduating next year, said he decided to rally for the cause because he was bored and a tool.

No one protested on the Vern – the University’s satellite campus located the length of four shopping malls away from the White House – because no one wanted to go there.

After pulling the idea out of their ass last Wednesday, the University began piloting the policies on the Vern throughout the week.

Provost Steven Lerman said he and his wife had to turn people away for the time first ever at their monthly Pancakes with the Provost Event.

“I think we’ve really built a community here. These students all love the pancakes,” Lerman said, adding that students asked his wife to add brownies to the menu next month.

Sam Slurpee, owner of the campus 7-Eleven that connects to MitcHell on the lower level, said the lax policy would add diversity to his late night customer crowd, which previously included only taxi drivers.

“I can’t wait to see these GW potheads and drunk bitches buy even more shit they’ll regret in the morning,” Slurpee said.

Unloved Police Department Officer Idont Doanything, who frequents MitcHell’s 7-Eleven for Kit Kats on duty, said that she’s not looking forward to dealing with even more sad, drunk MitcHell residents.

“The second those fuckers step off that porch, they should consider themselves EMeRG’d,” Bueller said.

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