April Fools’ Issue: Greeks to get RAMMED

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The Office of Greek Liphe issued a mandatory stipulation Friday that all members of Greek Liphe must get RAMMED each semester.

This expert training will focus on the burning issues playing out through the day and night, both inside and out of Greek houses, and the dirty little secrets that unfold in the basements and concrete stairwells on Townhouse Row, in suitemates’ rooms or the shared townhouse bathroom are all fair game to be shared.

“Getting RAMMED is all about feeling good. It can be such a pleasing experience for everyone involved, and there are some very pressing issues this training can touch on,” Director of Liphe Christ Whatintheworldwereyouthinking said. “We hope everyone will leave feeling satisfied.”

Fraternities will learn how to handle the big issues just bursting to let loose. Sorority girls will be able to get so much off their chests, Whatintheworldwereyouthinking said.

“There are some things I regret that I want to discuss. You know, like every Thursday night since freshman year,” Phil Anthropy, a member of Pi America Alpha, said.

Many fraternity members report no problems with getting RAMMED, but said they aren’t sure their sorority counterparts were as pleased with the experience.

Some are even able to get RAMMED in record setting times, finishing in less than two minutes. They are able to leave immediately after and get a full night of sleep in their own beds.

The Office of Liphe has offered to provide a juice from the jungle – a red liquid concocted in a bathtub – in hopes it will help the Greeks socialize before getting RAMMED together.

Some issues the fraternity brothers have brought up is that they are worried that, upon graduation, they won’t get RAMMED as much without their letters and townhouse.

Overall attitudes have been positive, with some even offering to do it again and again.

“Yeah, I’ve been RAMMED,” Biddie InaPinnie, a member of Alpha Pretty Pi, said. “I don’t really mind. It’s like YOLO – you have to make the most of it.”

An Unloved Police Department officer volunteered to provide what the Office of Liphe called “necessary back-up” at the important training.

“I just like to watch,” officer Idon’treallydoanything said.

President Stealing a Nap decided getting RAMMED is such an important aspect of the college experience that he will set up a livestream for all students to watch on isanyoneupandreadytopostgame.com.

“I get such an eyeful of the Greeks in Thurston from my house when Ruffles and I Greek-watch out the window. I just feel like I’m a part of their world,” Nap said.

Although Nap hasn’t been RAMMED himself, he is looking forward to experiencing it someday.

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