April Fools’ Issue: Gerber Baby: Martha’s Matriculation madness

Reader’s note: This column is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Martha’s Marathon annually provides the perfect venue for the wealthiest students to assert their grandiosity over the University’s class of lowly peons.

This year, $4,100 was put toward living in Ivory Tower, which Joseph Conrad once famously called “the white sepulchral residence hall.” In all, the University raised more than $12,000. The event truly embodied President Stealing a Nap’s mantra: “Cash Rules Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.), get the money, dollar dollar bill y’all.”

Martha’s Marathon was so successful that I feel its model should be employed in other functions of the University. As the Into Buzzwords Force is seeking to raise funds for research, it should apply this same method to the admissions process.

Parents who want their children to attend the University could fly in to participate in Martha’s Matriculation Madness, an auction for student admission. Inside Lisner Auditorium, amid the calming din of BlackBerry clicks and condescension, would begin the creation of the next generation of Colonials.

Each parent would be given a numbered paddle, and they would bid on student admission spaces in the same way that any other auction is run. It would be so similar to Martha’s Marathon, that its success is almost guaranteed. Really, the only difference is that, instead of students bidding for housing, parents would bid for important life decisions for their children.

But to gauge the true popularity of the event, I’ve spoken with parents who have seniors in high school who are also Colonial hopefuls.

James Commodity of Palm Beach, Fla., expressed great interest in the event: “My son? Yes, he’s stupid as shit,” Commodity said. “But it is my responsibility as a parent to supplement his idiocy through financial means, and Martha’s Matriculation Madness would do just that. I’d use money to take a great opportunity from someone who really earned it, and give it to my assholish spawn. So again, yes, I think it’s an excellent idea.”

So, if you’re an aspiring GW parent, ready to drop hundreds on SAT tests and graduation parties, think again. Your dim failure of a child could attend the George Washington University; all you need is a little cash*.

*Bidding starts at $80,385.

Gerber Baby, a freshman majoring in words and shit, is a Toolbox Tool.

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