Reader’s note: This Crime Log is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Theft

Everyday until 10 p.m. Location: Whole Fewdz Open Case

The Unloved Police Department received a report of mass theft of make-your-own salads and pre-made sandwiches by every student affiliated with GW after Whole Fewdz staff realized the store’s design was literally an invitation to steal. UPD never responded because of malfunctioning radios.
Every student is a suspect

March 28 – 11 p.m. Location: Gelman Library, the Marvin Center, Gelman Starbucks Case closed

The most naïve, stupid fucking student in the world left his backpack with $1,500 laptop, which he uses to type Word documents and browse StumbleUpon, unattended on a table near the door. He didn’t see who took his laptop, because he’s irresponsible, but daddy is writing a check to get an even snazzier laptop. UPD officers arrived on the scene late and were unable to nab the suspect because their radios were not functioning.
No suspects or witnesses

Assault

March 29 – 1:27 a.m. Location: Park behind Guthridge Hall that nobody knows the name of Case Closed

A female student slapped her sorority grand-big after being accused of acting like a “slore.” A UPD officer arrived at the scene and determined that the student was, in fact, a slore. The slore then proceeded to throw a punch at the officer, who called for backup, but no officers responded because their radios were not functioning,
Referred for disciplinary action

Liquor Law Violation

Last Friday Night Location: Thurston Case Closed

Officers responded to a rockin’ party after ‘Levels’ shook Thurston so hard residents thought there was another earthquake. Upon arrival, UPD officers found a keg and called next on the table.
Call Me Maybe

Fraud

Everyday starting at 7 a.m. Location: Munson, JKBO and Fulbright halls Open Case

Students in Munson, JKBO and Fulbright halls reported to UPD that administrators in the Homewrecking Department told them they would be living in University dorms this year, but they were placed in a construction pit. UPD was late responding to the scene because their radios were not functioning.

Bitch, this ain’t fair