Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Monday

Interview sources

Pretend like you care about academic or neighborhood crap, stumble over every word and ask loaded questions.
Da Foggz – 6 a.m. to 11 p.m.

Tuesday

Edit stories

Make up quotes, insert oxford commas and take administrators’ bullshit out of context. Add decline to comments.
In your SMPA class – After deadline

Wednesday

Produce the paper

Bitch about your story not being on the front page, make the same money graphic over and over and go home as the sun comes up.
Clown House – 2 p.m. to 4 a.m.

Thursday

Write corrections

Ignore e-mails from pissed off sources, make bullshit excuses about facts we fucked up and get drunk.
Our high horse – 4:20 p.m.