Just Joshin’

A look at the world through my eyes. Well, just part of the world.

Josh Perlman
Josh Perlman. Hatchet File Photo
Food shopping on a college student’s budget can be one of the most humbling experiences of life.

Actually, let me amend that: Food shopping in general is one of the most humbling experiences in my life.

You see, I went to the grocery store by myself for the first time the other day. I know what you’re thinking – why is it that this 19-year-old is losing his food shopping virginity only now?

I have only one thing to say to you haters: Bite me.

Up until this point, I have survived on some of my most strategically planned lifestyle choices. First, I never cook. I barely know how to work a lighter and I shudder to think what would happen if I tried my luck at a stove.

Second, I reuse the same SmartWater bottle for all my hydration needs. The bottle’s nozzle takes me back to my infancy and makes me feel safe when I begin to miss my mother.

This technique is also great for saving money. After all, it’s that extra cost of a drink with dinner that always pushes a meal past being simply unreasonably priced and into the “Where the fuck is this money going?” territory.

Third, I am never wasteful. I refrigerate every lingering scrap of food, so when the time comes and I find myself alone with the munchies (from all that studying) I have a box of leftovers ready to be placed in the microwave.

Last but not least, I keep a jumbo-sized jar of Nutella in my cabinet at all times. It’s great for every occasion, and just when you think your lunch isn’t big enough, a few spoonfuls of this artificially flavored condiment will send you on your merry way.

These simple yet practical steps worked perfectly for me until my roommate decided to buy an extensive list of groceries at Whole Foods Market, which is chock-full of organic food that makes me want to cry and listen to Celine Dion while I fill my body with man-made snacks.

But seriously, organic ketchup? As a proud patron of the ketchup sandwich, I am personally offended by this crime of a food.

With all this healthy nonsense staring me in the face every day, I knew I had to do something to make myself feel more at home. I set out to buy all the synthetic and processed foods my body could ever need.

After prowling the aisles and picking up a few items that caught my eye, I became overwhelmed with the number of options. I decided to grab the essentials – Doritos, chocolate covered pretzels, Capri Sun and butter – and got out of there as fast as I could.

And though I hate to tempt my roommate with a jar of jelly that wasn’t made by shoeless women squashing grapes in Italy, I’m happy knowing I stayed true to the 130-pound garbage disposal that I am.

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