An itchy situation
It was the Fourth of July and I came to D.C. to visit friends for the weekend. We went to Georgetown and drank a little too much. I ended up dancing with this guy, which led to us hooking up. We decided to walk home together, but about halfway out the door, we realized we had nowhere to go – we were both staying with friends. I saw a park on the side of the road in Georgetown and I decided we should do it right there. We proceeded to have sex in the middle of the field. The next morning, I woke up and was thrilled to find a bright red, itchy rash all over my entire body. I had poison ivy in places where you should never, ever have poison ivy!
Hiding from my hairdresser
My friend and I went to Rugby Cafe one night and ended up meeting up with our hairdresser. Apparently he and I were intensely hitting on each other, as I woke up in the morning in Rockville, Md., an hour and a half away. I started to get weirded out… first of all, he’s 34, and then he made some ridiculous comment about being the best lover I’d ever had. And then, I found this huge, like, hit-by-a-car, colossal bruise on my ass cheek. I have no idea what it was from… maybe he spanked me? So I called my roommate and begged her to come get me. She rented a Zipcar and drove all the way to Rockville. The hairdresser still texts me all the time, asking why I haven’t been back to get my hair done… and that he’ll do it for free. I’d rather fly home to get it cut than ever go back to him!
The hard, hard roof
I hooked up with this guy off-and-on freshman year, but we didn’t talk all summer. Fall of sophomore year, I was going to his house with people so I decided to be polite and have a conversation. Well, they have this rooftop with a pong table set up on it, and we were up there all night playing. One thing led to another, clothes came off and we ended up having sex on the roof. In the morning, I got up to leave – we’d made it back down to his room by then – and I realized that all of my clothes were still up on the roof. So I snuck up there and found my dress, found my heels, but couldn’t find my thong. It was hot pink. I finally located it under a panel of roof. Put on my dress, put on my heels, put on my thong… and left. It wasn’t until I went home and took a shower that I realized my back was a mess of little red bruises all the way down my spine! Roof sex consequences.
A French kiss
A couple months ago, I was at a club and met this really cute, petite girl straight out of France. She was here for the weekend. We went out for a smoke and I got her number, but the friend she was visiting wouldn’t let her bring me back, so I thought that was the end of it. The next night, we ended up texting and she was supposed to come over around 1:30 a.m., but she didn’t. By 3:30 a.m. I gave up and went to bed.
At 5 a.m., I got a text from her asking me to come over to her friend’s apartment. I headed over. We were hanging out, but nothing happened. She said, “I’m so sorry, I’m so tired.” I was pissed, but I was definitely sleeping there. So I was lying in her bed trying to doze off, when suddenly she rolled over and jumped me! I thought, “Alright, game time, let’s go.” I turned her over, undid the button of her pants, but she said, “You’re bad,” and pulled me toward her. Realizing it was going to take some more work, I hooked up with her for a little longer, then pulled away and managed to get her fly unzipped. More kissing, then I slid her pants down, and then her panties. We were ready to go when she screamed, “Oh no I can’t, Claudia would be so mad at me!” In my head, I thought, who the hell is Claudia, and why the hell would she care? She said, “Claudia’s my fiancé!” and stuck her left ring finger in my face. I was baffled. Was this really an engaged French lesbian who I was trying to hook up with? I said the only thing a guy can in that situation: “I’m not going to say anything.” It must have worked, because we ended up having sex… for a long time. The next morning, she got on a plane and flew back to France. I haven’t heard from her since. I wonder if she’s married yet… or still a lesbian.
A rush of blood
It was the first time this guy and I had hooked up without being ridiculously trashed. I was sitting on top of him, going at it, and suddenly, he screamed, “Fuck! I can’t believe this always happens to me!” I freaked out because I didn’t know what I’d done wrong or if I’d hurt him. Next thing I knew, he was leaning over the bed, grabbing tissues and tilting his head back. I had no idea what was going on… and then I saw the blood. We sat there for five or 10 minutes until his nose stopped bleeding and the whole time, he just kept apologizing. I didn’t really know what to do, so I kind of just kept petting him and awkwardly sitting there. Finally, it stopped, and he said, “So, we can start things up again if you want.” At least he made me laugh.
A scared southern gentleman
It was Halloween night and I went back to Fulbright with this random kid I’d picked up at a frat party. We started hooking up and everything was going great, when his roommate walked in on us. He didn’t look up or leave, just walked right in, sat on his bed directly facing us, and got on the phone, saying, “Yeah, he’s actually having sex right now, I don’t really know what to do.” After a few, extremely awkward minutes of this, he finally left. Actually, I think I asked him to leave. But, eventually, roommate was gone, everything was back to normal. Except instead, my guy picked up his boxers from the floor, threw them in my face and started yelling at me. “You’re makin’ me do somethin’ I don’t wanna do. I just wanna get to know you. I’m a gentleman!” And, this was all in an extremely heavy Southern accent. He kept yelling, repeating, “No, I don’t wanna!” At this point, I was standing, about to leave, but he stopped me. He didn’t let me leave, saying we were going to have a sleepover and he was going to get to know me. He held me the whole night and wouldn’t stop petting me, saying, “You’re so beautiful, I just want to get to know you better…” I literally just laid there in bed thinking, “Oh my god.” Creepiest night of my life.
Sex with an audience
One night freshman year, I had two people visiting for the weekend in addition to my roommate’s girlfriend and another friend planning to crash in our Madison double. Mid-partying, we got busted by University Police Department officers. While we were sitting in the hallway dealing with that, this girl I knew came to sit with us. She waited through the whole UPD thing, and decided she wanted to stay the night. Well, my visiting friends had nowhere else to go, and the other GW friend was sexiled, so he was sleeping with us for the night, too. Except, the girl and I didn’t exactly sleep. Thinking everyone else had been out cold, we pretended it didn’t happen the next morning until my girl said to one of the floor-sleepers, “Aw, you looked so cold on the floor last night, all wrapped up and with headphones in!” He replied, “Nah, someone was just really loud.”