Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
HIDING PLACE, Sweden – In an unprecedented breach of Socially Awkward Association security protocol, whistleblower and information freedom activist Julian Assange released thousands of pages of documents revealing the internal workings of the SA Wednesday.
The documents, sent to GW media outlets, were highly uncontroversial, mostly referencing the lack of scandal to plague the SA this year.
SA leaders and top administrators rose to the pulpit early Wednesday to denounce the document dump, saying the internal workings of the SA should be classified and these memos, if published, proposed a national security risk. SA President Jewfro Lifting, University President Steven Schnapps and Executive Vice President Gluteus Maximus, all declined to explain what national security problems the information release could cause.
Deception editor The Cahndom, one of the world’s foremost experts on SA bullshit, said the documents mostly highlighted the SA’s focus on internal reforms and its members’ lack of gusto to push their agendas forward.
“I mean really, I’ve spent four fucking years reporting on these fucktards and they couldn’t give me a good scandal for my senior year? No froshie senators blowing grad senators for favors? Or an inexplicable orgy in the Marvin Center stairwell? At this point I would be happy with a drunken hook-up between pres and EVP. Fuck,” Cahndom said.
Unlike in past years, when sex was wantonly traded for votes on non-binding resolutions and accusations of sexual assault assured you a full-ride graduate scholarship, this year’s SA has been completely devoid of anything but useless meetings with MillterTime and sadly unsuccessful pick-up lines Lifting uses on freshmen.
When asked about the inexplicably drama-free year, Lifting responded, “If you look at the documents you can see both I and my esteemed EVP had problems even getting it up… our poll numbers, that is.”
He continued, “if we can’t even get up our poll numbers how are we supposed to have scandal?”
Former presidential candidate Jared Kappy made some statement at an SA Senate meeting, but as usual, nobody really cared.
One former SA official, who asked to remain anonymous because this is important shit, was particularly disgusted.
“I gave blow jobs on a near daily basis. Hell, I once blew a grad senator for a ride home on a cold night. This year’s staff is just sad,” the former female SA official who is rumored to have slept with everyone and anyone, including former Hot Shit editors.
Further analysis of documents would have been done, but current SAA beat reporter James Blunt decided it wasn’t worth her time, saying, “Fuck it, let’s go to McFadden’s.”
