April Fools’ Issue: University honors Grey again

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The University announced Wednesday that its new namesake will be District Overlord Vinny Grey, after officials determined that honoring the alumnus just twice throughout his two-month tenure was insufficient.

University President Steven Schnapps said the decision to switch the University’s name from GW to VGU came after administrators began planning a third honorary ceremony for Grey, but concluded renaming the school was the most appropriate route. All George Washington statues on campus will be uprooted to make way for silver-plated sculptures of the alumnus.

“Grey has exceeded GW’s expectations for alumni, and we are proud to have his name brand our fine institution,” Schnapps said. “Washington didn’t even go here.”

Students leaders expressed concern over the new sculptures, saying Grey looks like Skeletor and is likely to scare drunk biddies stumbling home after a night out at Sign of the Whale.

Schnapps added Grey is facing a congressional probe for corruption allegations, a level of scandal worthy of praise.

Grey said in a statement that he is honored that he is being honored yet again by the University.

“I didn’t think they would give me yet another accolade. All I can say is, I can’t help the school expand,” Grey said. “Sorry, suck-ups.”

In addition to replacing statues throughout campus, the University will hold an official naming ceremony Monday.

Grey will also earn the title of associate vice president of corrupt operations and illegal support services.

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.