April Fools’ Issue: Slice of Death

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

There is a growing epidemic on GW’s campus and I think it’s time we acknowledged its existence – themed parties. What was once a fun dash of spice added to our rollerblading birthday celebrations has evolved into some kind of sick joke.

Just last weekend, I walked into an event hosted by one of the fraternities on campus only to discover that it was “bro” themed. I almost choked on the irony of this concept several times throughout the night. Looking around the room, I realized that none of the guys at the party were dressed any differently than they normally would be. One hobbit of a boy was legitimately wearing the same khaki pants I see him wearing every single day.

The more pairs of Sperry boat shoes I tripped over, the more I began to question the sanctity of the themed party. Is it acceptable for these failed lacrosse players to organize a special event just so they can feel comfortable in their own argyle sweaters?

If you really think about it, the actual theme of a themed party is not that important. Whether it’s an ’80s theme or a Disney princess theme (I have yet to be invited to one of these), a majority of the girls on the guest list will still find an excuse to wear a crop top and show off their lingerie.

It’s for this reason that I believe party planners everywhere should strive for complete originality with each themed event they host. I doubt we’d be seeing many lax pinnies at a party called “Dinosaurs and Pre-Historic Whores.”

But in all seriousness, does this trend of themes reflect a deeper societal issue that needs to be addressed? Why is it necessary for college students to hide behind a mask in order to have a good time?

At my most recent themed outing, I was walking with my friend through the crowded bar when a meathead in a generic polo stopped me. He patted me on the back, saying, “Thanks for coming. Now get out.” While I was too drunk at the time to offer an appropriately sassy response, I now realize that this Mark Wahlberg wannabe’s actions were dead giveaways of a self-esteem shortage.

Are you concerned that my presence at this party is going to limit the number of girls you can fail to impress with your brocabulary? Because regardless of how flawlessly white your backwards hat is, you still go to GW, which means you can’t be that much of a bro.

I suppose there’s no harm in adding a little flavor to a party by giving it a theme, but let’s at least get some variety. No more “bro” themed parties that lead to a room full of people looking like they decided to grab a drink on the way to the country club.

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