Reader’s note: This story is satirical and published in a spoof issue.
University officials were forced to sign a new speaker to deliver this year’s keynote Commencement address, after their original choice – New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg – was severely injured during a Broadway showing of “Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark.”
The University formally replaced Bloomberg with embattled actor Charlie Sheen Tuesday, a decision that has been met with almost unanimous approval by the student body.
Sheen’s speech is expected to focus on “Winning!” and how to convince porn stars to have sex with you, even if you are semi-balding, pudgy and old. The University is expected to create a new honorary degree for Sheen, a degree in Pubic Service, for all the goddesses Sheen has landed over his lifetime.
“It’s perfect. It’s awesome,” Sheen said on “20/20” about the University’s offer for the keynote Commencement speech. “Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.”
Seniors were seen chanting “Winning!” throughout the hallways of South Hall immediately after the announcement was made, clearly enthused that the actor – who has the most epic Twitter feed on earth – will speak against the backdrop of the National Mall.
The only group unhappy with the University’s decision is a contingent of anonymous students that launched a campaign earlier this year to hire Sheen for Commencement speaker in 2012, citing raging jealousy, probably from the tiger blood pulsing through members’ veins.