April Fools’ Issue: Sex columnist resigns

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

It is with many apologies and even more regrets that I humbly announce my resignation as the sex columnist. The angry crowds have surrounded my compound and their murderous chants are ceaseless. I’m no Muammar Gaddafi; I can read the writing on the wall. I will depart shortly with whatever grace I have remaining. But before I do, I will give one final address.

What can I say? It’s really been an emotional roller coaster. At first there was finger pointing, followed by accusations, and finally personal attacks. Some have called my critics baseless, bitter and unproductive. Others have said that they are in desperate need of a hobby and a sense of humor. There are a few who think they should spend less time condemning the sex column and more time actually having sex. Whichever way you see it, these critics have got to me and I must quit.

Now, more than ever, I know who I am. If you had asked me a few months ago how I felt about the fairer gender I would have provided you with an answer of affection and respect. That answer would not have been genuine, this was back when I lived in a world of delusion. Today I stand before you an admitted misogynist. To be honest I used to be ignorant of even the definition of the word. Upon a trip to dictionary.com I discovered it is simply defined as a hate for women. And gosh darn do I hate women. I hate their smiles; I hate their entrancing gazes. I hate having conversations with them. I hate how women have the distinct ability to endlessly resonate in my thoughts. Being friends with them is intolerable and don’t even get me started on their perfume.

Critics will surely receive the news of my resignation with gaiety and celebration. For one, they can sleep easy knowing that they have defeated the social injustice that was my column. Looking back, historians will pair my critics’ names with such literary heroes as Upton Sinclair and Ida Tarbell. Another upside to my departure will be the newly gained downtime. The time that was previously dedicated to unmasking my malevolence will certainly prove bountiful. Sure, it will be tempting to-

You know what? On second thought, I think I’ll stay. Enjoy the picture, though.

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