April Fools’ Issue: Schnapps named Ivory vandal

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Security camera footage revealed that University President Steven Schnapps’ fist pumping is the cause of destruction that has plagued Ivory Tower residence hall this year, University officials announced Monday.

GW installed 36 surveillance cameras last semester, after the Unpopular Police Department was unable to determine the cause of frequent vandalism in the residence hall. The equipment now proves GW’s 16th president punched out the ceiling tiles while dancing to the popular song “Shots.”

Knapp said in a statement provided by the Ministry of Truth that he did not intend to vandalize Ivory and that he was only practicing his dance moves.

“It is unfortunate the University will have to pay because I was dancing my ass off,” Schnapps said. “This is not behavior I want students to model.”

Unpopular Police Department Chief Katching Hayfever said the school will continue to monitor Schnapps’ behavior with plainclothes officers, adding that Schnapps is now barred from Ivory. Hayfever said officers analyzed several security camera images and concluded Schnapps would likely continue to cause damage in the residence hall.

“Schnapps has been issued an official bar notice and officers know he is no longer welcome in Ivory Tower,” Hayfever said.

Ivory Tower resident Notta Vandel said she is shocked and appalled the University’s top leader prompted the surveillance camera installation last fall.

“I know he loves to fist pump, but I don’t understand why he can’t do that without damaging my dorm,” Vandel said.

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