April Fools’ Issue: Rejections Office screws up numbers

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The University was forced to relinquish its standing as the recipient of the largest applicant increase in the country, after the University’s 90 percent increase turned out to be just a 0.9 percent increase upon further inspection.

GW escaped harsh penalties for the undeserved recognition after it was revealed that reports from the Rejections Office contain inaccurate statistics 90 percent of the time.

“Part of the mishap resulted from the fact that we accidently included 1990’s applicant pool from California in this year’s tally,” Executive Dean for Undergraduate Rejections Krazy Numbers said.

Numbers said data from 1990 was added to the applicant total because some of the office’s employees are still learning how to count.

The gaffe resulted in the belief that California had a 22 percent increase in applicants this year, surpassing New Jersey for the first time in recorded history.

A series of protests swept across campus, with students from New Jersey picketing outside the Rejections Office to demand a recount.

Enraged New Jerseyans finally disbanded their riots after the state was reinstated to the position of second-largest draw of applicants.

“GW is Jersey’s second home,” The Dilemma, a rioter who hails from down da shore, said. “We knew there was no way California’s dirty beaches were sending more applications than our picturesque coastline.”

Students from the Golden State are demanding the University begin releasing more accurate information, blaming the blunder for crushing their dreams of being more popular than the Garden State.

“We’re disappointed to hear that it was just a mistake,” opposition leader Arnie Shortshortsanagger said. “All California natives have banded together and may be seceding from the University.”

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