April Fools’ Issue: Professor ejected from building, teaches class from car

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Accounting professor Bob Cashmere was forced to teach his Introduction to Financial Accounting class from the hood of his 2002 Toyota Corolla Wednesday after being ejected from a University building for the third time this month.

Cashmere, who earned moderate fame in late February for being ejected from his courtside seats at a men’s basketball game, was once again removed from a University building after telling a fellow professor who was sitting in on the class that he wasn’t “worth the $70,000 dollars they’re paying you to teach here.”

Cashmere’s students said the class began as normal with a review of the class’ homework for the week, but they said their professor began to get agitated once the overhead projector in his classroom failed to warm up quickly enough. The situation worsened, the students said, once it became apparent that nobody had done the assigned reading, but Cashmere didn’t explode until approximately halfway through the hour-and-15-minute class session, when his colleague sneezed during the middle of Cashmere’s lecture.

“He just went off on the guy,” sophomore student David Solomon said. “He stood up and pointed his finger right in the other guy’s face and basically told him he’s a joke. He just kind of blew up. It was pretty much exactly like the basketball game.”

Following his tirade, Cashmere was ejected from the class by accountancy department chair Lawrence Pennybags, but Cashmere refused to leave initially, breaking away from his escorts and raising his hands in defiance, essentially a re-enactment of his ejection from the basketball game late in February.

It was the third time this month that Cashmere has been ejected from a classroom, leaving him with few options in terms of buildings on campus that he is allowed to enter and teach in. In the week following his ejection from the Will Smith Center, Cashmere was forced to abandon a classroom in Phillips Hall after remarking that a student’s work was the worst he’d ever seen.

Ten days later, Cashmere was tossed from a guest lecture after a question from a freshman prompted an angry response from the tenured professor.

“He told me that I should never be allowed to raise my hand again, at GW, at any college, or just in general,” the freshman said. “My feelings weren’t really that hurt until the rest of the class cheered him as he was escorted out of the building.”

Following his most recent ejection from a University classroom, Cashmere opted to teach from the hood of his 2002 Corolla, a decision he said he was forced to make once it became evident that GW officials would not tolerate his propensity to keep it real and speak truth to basketball referees, students and his fellow professors.

“Teaching from my car affords me the opportunity to cut the bullshit with these kids,” Cashmere said. “Plus, I can play whatever radio station I want.”

Cashmere was quick to defend the University, saying that his issue was with the individual GW officials who had ejected him and not with the school itself. Cashmere’s ejection was further complicated by donations he’s made to the University over the year, donations that Cashmere said he felt gave him license to say whatever he wanted.

“Apparently donating upwards of $10,000 doesn’t buy you as much free speech as you’d think,” Cashmere said. “Apparently nobody told these refs and officials that I’ve donated a ton of money to this University.”

Senior Vice President of Student and Social Support Services Bobby Adirondack said he supported Cashmere, pointing to increased interest and attendance from students following the ejection of their professor.

“It really got the kids fired up,” Adirondack said. “Maybe we should have more professors who get ejected from classrooms. The students actually did better on their tests once they saw him leave.”

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