April Fools’ Issue: J Avenue praised for food, staff quality

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

J Avenue was given a three-star rating by the prestigious Michelin Guide, making it the 82nd eatery worldwide to receive the accolade for its “exceptional cuisine, worth a special journey.”

Reviewers from the Michelin Guide praised J Avenue’s cuisine for its fresh, healthy ingredients and its first-class seafood, which they said smells great and is always cooked to perfection. They also praised the atmosphere of the dining experience, saying the televisions blaring Wolf Blitzer 24 hours a day make the food taste even better.

The rating also factored in the service, which they said was the most superb on the planet. They lauding the friendly employees in particular, pointing out that the Wendy’s staff and the omnipresent sound of “WHACHO DRANK?” is the best part of the dining experience.

More than 1,500 students and countless University officials gathered in the Marvin Center Continental Ballroom for a lavish ceremony to celebrate the award.

“Today we honor Sodex-ho,” University President Steven Schnapps said to the jubilant crowd. “They are the heart, soul and sometimes upset stomach of GW.”

Sodex-ho Executive Chef Michel La Merde said that of all his accomplishments, this was his greatest moment of his professional career.

“I’ve never been prouder of my cuisine,” he said, tears spilling from his eyes.

To close the ceremony, employees of the various food companies of J Avenue walked across the stage, waving and bowing to the crowd.

James C. Saltfries, a five-year manager of Wendy’s, was so overcome with emotion that he broke into tears in the middle of the stage.

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