April Fools’ Issue: Hot Shit staff evicted from townhouse for hazing

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Unjust Judicial Service found members of The Hot Shit guilty of hazing, and evicted the newspaper staff from its University-rented townhouse this week, bringing a months-long investigation to a close.

Acting on tips from hazed Hot Shit reporters, UJS unraveled a disturbing web of scandal, including allegations that Hot Shit editors forced their underlings to write for hours without sleep, denied them coffee and restricted them to eating food only from J Avenue.

If reporters turned in stories with incorrect AP Style, editors paddled them with stacks of old Hot Shits, documents stolen from UJS reveal.

“I didn’t remember that it was ‘Elliott’ with two l’s and two t’s,” one reporter told UJS investigators, according to the documents. “Protestor in chief The French Revolution called me into her office and beat me with rolled up issues of last year’s Commencement guide.”

UJS Director Anita Prayer-a said the decision to strip The Hot Shit of its townhouse came after Unpopular Police Department officers raided the location during The Hot Shit’s production night March 23.

Officers stormed The Hot Shit’s townhouse and found frightened reporters balancing AP Stylebooks on their heads while reciting the names and titles of every GW administrator as Hot Shit editors watched and jeered.

“Those poor kids,” one officer said. “No one should have to remember Senior Vice President of Student and Social Support Services Bobby Adirondack’s full title.”

After the UJS decision, members from every student organization The Hot Shit has ever reported on were seen taunting the homeless editors.

“Glad to see The Hot Shit finally reporting on its own dirty laundry!” a female student from Psi Psi Psi said.

The French Revolution had little to say about the investigations and eviction but accepted UJS’ punishment.

“I guess hindsight is 20/20, but we now accept that putting reporters in our rat-infested basement is unacceptable,” The French Revolution said.

“We are excited to move past this embarrassing event and reclaim our prominent position as the most important people on campus – the hot shits, if you will,” The French Revolution added.

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