Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
Hard copies of The Hot Shit arrived on campus later than usual Thursday afternoon, after a majority of Hot Shit staffers skipped production to drink at a McFadden’s happy hour the night before the issue was slated to hit stands, witnesses confirm.
At least a dozen witnesses saw Hot Shit staffers at the popular hangout – known for its cheap drinks and cheaper clientele – chugging beer and chanting “April Fool’s! Break the rules!”
Onlookers at McFadden’s witnessed members of the news team dancing on the bar as they downed margaritas in plastic cups. Senior deception editor Cahndom was heard yelling something about the Ministry of Truth, but it was hard to hear what exactly it was over the Top 40 hits playing.
“Get at me bitches!” she screamed.
Losses editor Lou Lou thought the scene was hilarious, but said the night took an unfortunate turn when GDI editor MαDεLεINε MοRΓεNStεRN got into a catfight with a sorority biddie over a GW bro.
“The sorority biddie started pulling MαDεLεINε MοRΓεNStεRN’s hair and screaming that her sorority never wanted her anyway,” Lou Lou said. “It wasn’t pretty.”
The staff was seen stumbling out of the bar at around 3 a.m., and was turned away from 2140 G St. as The Hot Shit’s unfortunate hazing incidents got it kicked out of its run-down townhome Tuesday.
Gospel editor Loose Wayjerk said the editorial board would write an explanation in the next issue about why the staff shirked editing responsibilities for Thursday’s issue. She will also respond to allegations that they canceled an 8 p.m. meeting Tuesday with student organization leaders to go to the bar.
“To clarify, Wayjerk didn’t cancel the meeting to go to McFadden’s. We had to watch ‘Glee’ before going out – that’s a commitment we take seriously, then we go get drunk,” protestor in chief The French Revolution said.
Since the incident, members of the Socially Awkward Association have spoken out about the lack of responsibility shown by The Hot Shit.
Socially Awkward Association Cash Money Committee chair Cash O’Check said students have a right to call The Hot Shit out.
“Not only did The Hot Shit fail to communicate effectively with student leaders, the newspaper’s SA coverage isn’t big enough,” O’Check said.
“The staff completely ruined the vibe at McFadden’s too,” O’Check added. “Shame on them.”