Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
GW announced a new study abroad program this week designed to immerse students in the completely foreign culture of the Mount Vernon Campus.
Students in the semester-long program will live among Vern residents, eating traditional Pelham cuisine and taking interior design classes.
“We wanted to give Foggy Bottom students a chance to go somewhere they’ve never gone before, and likely never will again,” the Director of the Office of Drink A-Shit-Ton Abroad Robbie Harmon said.
Harmon said the program has been met with mixed responses, with the most frequent question addressing the kinds of vaccinations living on the Vern would require.
“I, like, just want to make sure I would be protected, you know?” a sophomore, who asked not to be identified because of the potential shame in being associated with the Vern, said. “I wouldn’t want to risk being a ‘Vern kid’ for the rest of my life.”
To help mitigate any potential culture shock that could arise from a Foggy Bottom student seeing wide-open spaces for the first in his or her life, Harmon pointed out the Vern’s soccer field is actually made of Astroturf.
“We think that will help with the transition,” Harmon said. “It can be a big shock to go from a bustling city to the middle of fucking nowhere.”
Permanent Mount Vernon residents see the new program as a positive way to mix with the rest of the GW community.
“I don’t see what all the fuss is about us,” one Vern resident said as he hitched up a horse and buggy for a grocery trip. “We’re just like everybody else.”
Harmon said he hopes to sign up as many as 10 people for the inaugural program, but conceded he might not reach that goal.
“What students really want when they study abroad is to drink themselves into a daily stupor,” he said. “Unless you’re happy with drinking wine made of President Schnapps’ fermented sheep urine, there’s not a whole lot the Vern can offer you.”