Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
The University will begin an aggressive campaign to increase the number of straight males on campus, an initiative aimed at easing female students’ sexual frustrations, GW’s first provost for the Addition of Non-Jewish New York- New Jersey Students said Wednesday.
Randomly released University data found that more than 69 percent of male students at GW identify as gay, a number that Dr. Hassan Gonzalez-Jones said was a major boner-killer for female students.
“Before I took this job, I knew it would be a top priority to create a diverse campus,” Gonzalez-Jones said. “But where are the straight men? The first time I walked through Kogan Plaza, everyone was shitting glitter.”
Female students heralded the initiative, but most of those interviewed remained steadfast that Kurt from FOX’s “Glee” is adorable and that they could totally relate to the “Sassy Gay Friend” YouTube videos.
“My vagina certainly would like to thank the new provost,” sophomore Becky Longchamp said. “It was getting a little dusty.”
Since the straight-male initiative began, campus has been abuzz, not unlike the thousands of vibrators still in use.
“I’m seriously about to explode out of my jeggings with excitement,” one GW female who wished to remain anonymous, but was carrying a venti caramel macchiato with “Tori” written on the cup, said.
University administrators said they have been disappointed in past efforts to balance the growing gay male population with straight bros.
A Hot Shit investigation revealed that GW took bold steps this year to reach a more flaccid level in the number of gay male students.
Along with affirmative action measures for straight males in the Rejection Department, officials admitted to sending GW’s hottest bitches on recruiting trips to straight-man meccas like the Midwest.
“We set up those hot bitches in first-class hotel rooms, let them party every night, all they had to do was attract straight males,” Director of Rejections Krazy Numbers said. “Turns out girls from Jersey don’t like farm guys, so that failed. But at least we added to the University’s $1 billion debt.”
Gonzalez-Jones said he will likely form a task force to help in the quest to recruit more straight males.
“Of course we don’t mind being in the minority, even if it does mean being called a ‘breeder’ when I hold a girl’s hand on the street,” said Beta Beta Beta president Pabst Blue. “Having all these gays around keeps girls pretty loose.”