April Fools’ Issue: Everything is wonderful

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

As the end of the school year approaches and we prepare ourselves for springtime in the District, it’s important to take a look around and assess how everything is going here at The George Washington University. Perusing the campus news and examining each and every level of GW’s administrative bureaucracy, there is but one inescapable conclusion to be reached: Everything is wonderful.

Seriously, everything is just outstanding. I checked. I called around to all the administrators, who assured me that everything is marvelous with them. I investigated our Socially Awkward Association leaders, who are representing you fantastically. I called my parents to see how they felt about mailing in my most recent tuition check. They said it was swell.

More than that, the student body is awesome too. Our political science majors are acquiring real-world skills that will help them get jobs, our alternative breaks participants are receiving all the help that they could have ever wanted, and fraternity pledges are reporting incredibly low levels of forced ingestion of alcohol.

I’m happy to report that everything which wasn’t wonderful before is now wonderful. GWireless provides us all with a completely mostly uninterrupted access to all the information we need. University President Steven Schnapps went to a special school to teach him to have a personality. Oh, and they finally finished all those Gelman renovations – they turned the entire sixth floor into a bathroom. Poop with pleasure!

I know that certain unsavory elements will try to convince you that things are less than terrific here at GW. They’ll write little columns in this newspaper, post sarcastic Facebook statuses and leave anonymous comments on blogs about this problem or that concern. Let me assure you; these people have no idea what’s going on. They should really chill out. Negativity never helped anyone.

Instead, just have a little faith. The people who are in charge at GW are much smarter than you or I. They know what they’re doing, and they know much more than you do. After all, we should all try to be happy and comfortable. And nothing makes people unhappier than questions. So just sit back, relax and enjoy our school. Everything is wonderful.

Low Blow, a senior majoring in brainwashing, is a Hot Shit columnist.

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