April Fools’ Issue: Crime Log

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Hazing

3/24/11 – 6:30 p.m.

Location: Multiple locations

Case closed

The Unpopular Police Department received a report from a group of students that alleged administrators forced them to testify at a six-hour zoning hearing in support of the Science and Engineering Complex.
Referred to Unjust Judicial Service

3/19/11 – 1:40 p.m.

Location: Will Smith Center

Case open

Students reported to UPD that University administrators forced them to listen to multiple boring, never-ending lectures at Freshman Convocation. Students said they were just reporting months after the fact because administrators threatened to double their amount of mandatory J Avenue money if they told.
Referred to UJS


Fraud

3/26/11 – Time unknown

Location: Marvin Center
Case open

Students reported to UPD that J Avenue was serving peculiar substances labeled as food. UPD disposed of the materials after tests determined they were toxic.
Referred to UJS


Drug Law Violation

3/21/11 – 1:20 p.m.

Location: University Yard

Case closed

UPD officers responded to a report of a man causing a scene in University Yard. When he was approached, he claimed to be “winning.” He was apprehended by four UPD officers after a brief chase and arrested along with two females who referred to themselves as the man’s “goddesses.” All three were unaffiliated with the University. Officers confiscated cocaine and a substance identified as tiger blood from the individuals.
Closed by arrest


Liquor Law Violation

3/20/11 – 2:45 a.m.

Location: 23rd and H streets

Case closed

UPD officers responded to a noise complaint outside the Vomit Express stop. A young female appeared under the influence as she repeatedly asked a bus driver, “Which seat can I take?” A sobriety test revealed she knew today was Friday, repeating it multiple times, claiming, “We so excited.” Then she told officers that “tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards.” Officers determined the female, unaffiliated with GW, was completely sober and did not arrest her for underage drinking.
No further action

Compiled by A Naan

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