Sex Column: Dear Mr. Lonely Heart

I planned to write about relationship sex but the idea seemed unnecessary upon second thought. Anyone who is in or has been in a relationship is well versed in the better sex brought on by familiarity and intimacy.

Instead, I pen my latest column to Mr. Lonely Heart, the man who is going without a relationship or sex this Monday.

Ignore the calendar. Ignore the sound of your roommate’s girlfriend cooing over the outlandishly priced chocolates he just presented to her. Ignore that couple holding hands while walking to Package Services.

There is nothing more obnoxious from the outside than young love, and come Valentine’s Day you are going to be surrounded by it. From the Kay Jewelers commercials, to the omnipresence of roses, there is no escape.

While it can seem tempting, do not go looking for Ms. Lonely Heart. The sex may be great and the loneliness extinguished but the aftermath will far overshadow any orgasm. The desperate are the emotional and the emotional are the crazy – case in point: Romeo and Juliet. Some of your friends might try to fix you up but avoid this at all costs. A first date on Valentine’s Day comes with certain connotations, connotations that can be easily shed by going out a few days later.

In the grips of this torturous day nostalgia will seek you out. It will submerge you in the thoughts of expired love. Your stale emotions will appear refreshed and jubilant. I beg you, Mr. Lonely Heart, pay these memories as much attention as reminiscence deserves. Keep yourself from texting, messaging or calling any ex. This is no time for drastic action.

Mr. Lonely Heart, I leave you with reassurance. You are not alone Feb. 14. Valentine’s Day is a destructive holiday that leaves a colossal number of people, like you, out in the cold looking in on love. Comedian David Cross said it best in his book, “I Drink for a Reason,” when he wrote, “It’d be like having a nationally recognized Celebrate Your Perfect Health Day. We’d all have to spend the day watching a bunch of content, fit people flaunting themselves in front of the rest of us.” And if that is not enough to tame your sorrows, let me remind you of your age. Life might not be a Nicholas Sparks novel but there will be many more Valentine’s Days in your future – days for you to be in better company.

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