Slice of Life: A whole new (G)World

On my way into Gelman library, I pulled my GWorld out of my pocket to pass through the turnstile without any hesitation. Card in hand, I approached the daunting silver pathway ready to execute a flawless swipe. But something was wrong.

A black touch pad replaced the swipe slot. Taken aback by this drastic change, I stepped away and watched in amazement as other students took out their GWorlds, touched it to the pads and walked through with ease.

The first thing I felt was anger. Why didn’t they warn me? Don’t I have a say in this? Do they just assume I’m going to know what to do?

Feeling a lot like Lyndon B. Johnson, I sat down and thought about what this technological advancement meant for my future. It was then that I realized the GWorld touch pad might actually be the best thing since sliced bread.

Let’s discuss the primary flaws of the out-of-date swipe slot. First of all, it’s ugly. The giant butt crack of a machine protruded from random counters and desktops and completely tarnished any possibility of a dignified appearance.

It is far from straightforward. Nowhere on the swipe slot does it tell you what position to hold your card upon swiping. Do I swipe with the black bar facing toward me or away from me? I still don’t even know. Plus, it’s impossible to make a dramatic entrance when it takes three swipes to actually make it inside the building.

Last but certainly not least, the swipe slot is very unfriendly to intoxicated users. Thurston Hall has yet to install the touch pads, but I can assure you that this renovation would mean far fewer EMeRG incidents per year.

Just think about it – if students have trouble getting their cards into that tiny little slot when they’re sober as birds, how are they supposed to do it after a night of drinking? I know I’ve missed the slot quite a few times. (But then again, hand-eye coordination has never been my strong suit.) The touch pad, on the other hand, is a “get out of jail free” card for boozing underclassmen.

Touch pad GWorld readers will make life so much easier and more efficient, saving students precious time and effort that would otherwise be spent on several swiping attempts. While I would never want to offend any swipe lovers, I think I speak for a majority of GW students when I say the touch pad is a brilliant invention. The next time I graze my card upon that sleek, black pad I’m going to say, “Thank you, touch pad, for introducing me to a world of simplicity I never knew was possible.”

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