Female Sex Columnist: When bad sex happens to good people

See the male sex columnist’s column here.

Sometimes sex can be bad. I’m not talking about broken condoms or “bad girl” role play. I’m talking about the times when you bury your face into the pillow and hope he will just orgasm already because it’s dragged on way too long.

The first night I slept with the Energizer Bunny, we got back to his place and instantly headed for the bedroom, barely stopping to take off our clothes. But little did I know excitement was about to change into exasperation. At first the sex was enjoyable, but then it just kept going and going and going. And after a while the guy was dripping sweat onto me with every thrust. Sex in the rain might be hot, I thought, but getting a shower from my partner’s body is not.

After what seemed like hours, the Energizer Bunny finally reached his climax, and I passed out – relieved but sore. To my amazement, though, my guy was still up for extra innings. And while I think getting woken up in the middle of the night by the guy you’re sleeping with for round two is incredibly sexy, I couldn’t help but internally groan when I woke up to Energizer Bunny’s erection pressed against my back. Deciding against my better judgment, I gave him a second go-around. After all, practice does make perfect, right?

But sadly, the Energizer Bunny killed the mood from the start, excitedly pouring so much lube out of the bottle that I felt like I had just gone swimming in a bed of oil, wax and sweat. And if you’ve never tried such ridiculous positions featured in the magazine Cosmopolitan – such as the “Passion Pretzel” or the “Torrid Triangle” – then keep it that way. I didn’t think people actually took the magazine seriously, but the Energizer Bunny did, wanting to show off his knowledge of every move possible, a few of which had to be fictional.

I’m all about trying new things, but the constant changing of positions made me feel like I was in a ballet class gone wrong. We should have taken the hint when the condom kept slipping off from all of the excess lube. And even though I consider myself a professional when it comes to escaping awkward situations, I struggled to make up an excuse to leave in the middle of the disastrous sex I was experiencing. Especially before sunrise.

Bad sex: 2; Layla: 0.

Things with the Energizer Bunny might not have worked out for me, but I know there is a girl out there who will appreciate his long-lasting abilities and sweaty showers. Sex is an important part of any intimate relationship; if the sex isn’t good, everything else goes downhill, too. Some people say you can tell if your guy is going to break up with you if you stop having sex. I believe it. Getting rid of the physical connection makes breaking that bond a lot easier.

I can only imagine the Energizer Bunny, out there somewhere, charging his batteries for the next round. As for me, I’ve moved on to a new guy named Chaucer. I think his superb attention to detail on fine works of literature will suit me perfectly.

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