April Fools’ Issue: University planning to add non-basketball teams

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

In an extensive 15-minute investigation spent looking at the official athletic department Web site, The Machete has discovered this week that the University is planning to add teams in up to 20 sports that are not basketball.

“We’ve always had a bunch of other teams,” Apathetic Director Jock Kvetch said. “I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

According to the site, some of the sports GW is apparently adding include water polo, which is like basketball except the players are swimming and the goal is a vertically-oriented rectangle; volleyball, which is played on a basketball court but with a big net in the middle; and lacrosse, which is not really all that much like basketball at all.

Perhaps an indication of the school’s commitment to non-basketball sports, the Web site has even created an extensive backlog of apparently fictional names, schedules, and statistics for each team.

“I’ve been here for 25 years,” said Maggie Frosting-Cheesenham, who is listed as the coach of something called gymnastics. “Why have you never talked to me before?”

When asked for a reaction to the news, some current students said they were surprised to learn we had a basketball team in the first place, while others seemed disappointed about the limits of the extension into other athletic areas.

“So, wait, do we have a football team now?” said sophomore Bill Papadopolous. “No? Oh, then, whatever.”

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