April Fools’ Issue: University hopes to mold perfect students with GCRs

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The Columbian School of Generic Things revealed several new categories for its general curriculum requirements Tuesday, including courses teaching students how to do community service that garners national attention and how to conduct award-winning and grant-winning research. Students will also have to tone their bodies in gym classes and join Greek-letter life by sophomore year.

The GCR Task Force – comprised of way-past-their-prime tenured faculty members – announced the revisions after a few rounds of drinks at Tonic, and came to the conclusion that GW needs to focus on whatever the hell will make the University look better.

Executive Vice President of the Academically Obsessed Donnie Ondawayout said he wishes this kind of curriculum existed when he was in school centuries ago, and rebuffed claims that students may not need these skills later in life.

“Students will be able to face the real world after GW. I’m going to make sure they know how to write press releases, network within their fraternity or sorority and do Michelle Obama-worthy community service; all while wearing GW gear, of course,” Ondawayout said.

Professor Attenshin Hog said he is excited to be able to teach his pupils the secrets to being a “pretentious asshole that gets television coverage every time they plant a tree.”

“I thoroughly enjoy being an obnoxious prick. Once you get reporters covering you while you give one of your Cheez-its to a homeless man, you know you’re a true philanthropist,” Hog said.

Ahip Sterr, a freshman majoring in artsy things, said he cannot wait to learn about all the ways he can do grant-winning research. When students or professors receive federal grant money, the University receives a cut of the funding, and Sterr said he is excited to give the University his spare cash so it can install 50-inch plasma screen TVs in each residence hall.

“I am so glad I will be able to pretend I know how to do science while also giving GW more money. GW’s tuition isn’t high enough to pay for the shit we need to survive. We’re really roughing it,” Sterr said.

The changes were slated to affect the class of 2014, but Ondawayout thinks the task force will need another decade to hammer out the details. A final report is expected to be released in 2040.

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