April Fools’ Issue: Tour guides hospitalized after falling on asses

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Following the hospitalization of two STAR tour guides, administrators announced yesterday that the program would no longer force unpaid students to walk backwards when giving tours.

As STAR tour guides Bobby Maximum and Preztobe Clifton continue to recover from broken tailbones at GW Hospital, Executive Dean for Mistaken Decisions Kid Napper said student tour guides will no longer walk backwards.

“This is a sad day for all of us who care more about GW’s image than student safety,” Kid Napper said. “But the reality is that we just can’t keep paying off the families of injured tour guides to keep this up.”

While Maximum and Clifton are slated to make a full recovery, both have brought lawsuits against the University, suing for pain, suffering and future cosmetic surgery.

“My ass will never look the same,” Maximum said in an interview alongside former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney, who offered the “pleasant young man” space in his three-bedroom penthouse at the hospital.

At least one incoming student said the incident can be looked at as a positive for the University.

“It’s ridiculous that GW is so desperate for students that it has to add backward walking to its list of, ‘only at GW,’ ” said Johnny Letmein, a prospective student from Michigan. “The tour guides are annoying, everyone is just waiting for them to turn around and shut up anyway.”

But some criticize the University’s actions – saying that the incidents could easily have been presented.

“This is a tangible example that these two students don’t have the experience that I have in leading prospective students,” said Xyzabcd Sanchez, a STAR tour guide and former cabinet member who considers herself an expert at backwards walking. “I will be seeking Clifton’s seat if he stays in the hospital much longer.”

Cifton said he was prepared to fight to retain his seat.

“I won’t take this sitting down,” Clifton said, possibly referring to the recovering wound that prevents him from fully sitting. “I’ll walk backwards and forwards and upside down if I have to – I need that $15,000 scholarship.”

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