Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Following October’s hammer attack in Duques, the University announced Tuesday that no tools will be allowed in public restrooms on campus, complicating the urinary plans of a good chunk of the student body.

University President Schemin’ Steven – who created the Hammer Assault Prevention and Protection Task Force days after the attack to craft a solution to the fear the incident incited – said he has not stepped foot into a public restroom out of fear. But with the new rules, Schemin’ can now relieve himself in public restrooms in peace.

The policy effectively bans hundreds of students, including some members of the College Tea Partiers, College Socialists, any member of the Senesless Administration, members of most Greek organizations on campus, those with a penchant for Vineyard Vines clothing, Capitol Hill interns who wear their access badges after hours, and Machete staffers from entering restrooms on campus. Estimates have shown nearly 60 percent of the student body is now banned from public restrooms, Schemin’ said.

Knapp, as well as other upper-level administrators, said the HAPPTF originally implemented a policy in which all University employees were to use “bathroom buddies” to protect themselves from any attempted hammer attacks. Employees say they are relieved this policy is no longer necessary, as many of their colleagues are “unpleasant” to be around in the restroom.

Failed SA EVP candidate Lovin’ Disagreement – who’s campaign slogan was “NO MORE TOOLS!” – called the ban one of the University’s crowning achievements.

“The amount of tools that are permitted to be inside University bathrooms is a disgrace,” Disagreement said. “As soon as I see Senseless Administration members or someone wearing embroidered whale pants from Vineyard Vines come into the bathroom, I feel threatened. I myself have had nightmares regarding their presence.”

After his interview with The Machete, Disagreement attempted to use a public restroom but was turned away under the new tool ban. Disagreement declined to comment on the incident.

Although both students, staff and administrators say they are happy that action has finally been taken to prevent future hammer attacks, UPD Chief Jack Bauer said he has seen a rise in public urination and defecation reports on campus since the ban.

“This ban has really fucked shit up, literally,” Bauer said. “Just yesterday I saw Senseless Administration President-elect Preztobe Clifton digging a hole in the small patch of grass in University Yard. I stopped him before any indecency charges could be filed.”

Clifton declined to comment on the issue.