April Fools’ Issue: Tech glitch admits 500 dumbasses

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

An investigation into a sharp drop in undergraduate GPAs turned up documents that suggest that most of the class of 2013 is actually made up of students that were supposed to be rejected.

The Office of Mistaken Decisions said more than 500 members of the class of 2013 should have been rejected – but were accidentally sent letters of acceptance at some point last year.

“We are launching a full-scale investigation to determine who was responsible for this clerical error,” Dean of Mistaken Decisions Kid Napper said in an interview, while walking briskly from her home to her car after a Machete stakeout.

“It appears, once again, that someone pressed the wrong button,” Napper said.

Admissions essays obtained through a You’ll Get Nothing And Like It request submitted to the University by The Machete shed light on the gravity of the mistake.

Joey Hahvahd, a current freshman from Boston, titled his essay “Why I want to be an American University Colonial.”

“From the moment I stepped off the Foggy Bottom metro, I just knew Washington State was for me,” Hahvahd said. “I loved the fact that American is off the beaten path and has an amazing campus feel.”

Another freshman, Jersey Outkast, said in an interview that he was happy to have been accepted at GW – a school he considered to be a long shot when applying for college.

“Let’s just say community college was my safety school,” Outkast said. “But it’s great – all of my friends from the dirty jerz are here.”

Junior Sara Silverstein, who stopped in front of the Machete office yesterday to adjust her jeggings, said she was not surprised by the news.

“Like it’s kind of a good thing right, for diversification and things like that,” Silverstein said. “It’s hard enough that everyone on campus is Jewish, but like this means we will be helping those less smart than average GW students like me.”

After being called, e-mailed and tailed by Machete reporters, University talker MeShall Workhard said Kid Napper would be unavailable for the month while she personally delivered handwritten decisions to this year’s applicant pool.

“In an effort to prevent server down-time and make sure we admit the correct students, Kid Napper will be even more unavailable than usual while she travels across the country and the world delivering handwritten post-it notes of admittance,” Workhard said.

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