April Fools’ Issue: South Hall wins eco-challenge

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

South Hall has won this year’s eco-challenge, using 50 percent less energy than all other residence halls by using “creative electricity and water preservation tactics.”

Frigid showers, frequent electricity outages and regularly broken elevators significantly reduced the University’s energy output – as well as its utilities bill.

“We’re always looking for ways to cut costs. If it happens to create an uncomfortable living experience of students, we will send out an apologetic InfoMail, but ultimately it’s what is best for the University,” University Treasurer Gimme Greene said.

Residential Property Mismanagement created a Twitter page this spring – mainly to keep up with the constant malfunctions in South Hall, said Tommy Whiner, RPM’s managing dude.

“Not only did we want to join the sweet club of almost every University department that tweets constantly instead of doing real work, we just have so many problems to update about,” he said.

South Hall residents largely found the University-wide Earth Hour event last week unnecessary.

“We already have about 10 earth hours a week, though they are usually erratic. At least we knew ahead of time that we wouldn’t have power this time,” senior Iluff tokomplane said.

In a related matter, Director of GW Hosing Programs Sev Whineshill said next year, Hose Mentors will offer energy efficient light bulbs purchasable with GWorld for $100 – the cost of which could feed a family in Haiti for weeks, but will save the University $.20 per semester.

Hosing Programs said it will move forward with April’s Earth Day events, though it is still reeling from last week’s lights-on scandal, in which hose mentors were found watching a big screen TV with the lights on during the earth hour, after excessively postering the residence hall with paper not made from recyclable materials.

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