April Fools’ Issue: Shit Y’all Sent Us

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

You lost. Deal with it.

In a recent Machete column entitled “Election losers have winning ideas,” columnist Mark Isin Goggles noted that the Senseless Administration tools who lost to other SA tools had platforms with many favorable plans for the University. But let’s face it, that’s like your T-ball coach saying that it’s okay that you struck out and lost the Blue Barracudas game. “Don’t worry, Slugger, you’ll get ’em next time.” But no, you struck out at T-ball, when the ball is held in place by a stick. Clearly sports were not your forte, which is why you are now at GW, running for a spot in the SA. But you lost again, and so you are a loser.
Jo King, a senior majoring in accuracy.

Three is better than two

So, I just wanted to let The Machete know I had a threesome last night. It was AWESOME. Yeah.
Hugh Jass, a sophomore majoring in Ed Hardy.

Chill out

I am writing in response to a recent column entitled “Break Out of the GW Bubble.” Please, Machete, don’t pop my bubble. I eat every meal at Jay Avenue, I do all my shopping at 2100 Penn, and I spend every night of the weekend reading the graffiti on the cubicles in Gelman. In fact, D.C. does nothing for GW. GW would be better off just moving to Virginia. Really, I don’t have to see D.C. I like the five blocks of Foggy much better.
Puh Thehtek, a freshman majoring in anti-socialism.

Digits, yo

I was actually writing to get the Sex Columnist’s number? Whoever it is sounds really hot. Call me.
Despir Itt, a junior majoring in sexual relations.

You’re late

Dear Editor, Why is it 11 a.m. on Monday and your issue isn’t up yet? I’m in my 9:35 and bored.
Twoo Obsirvint, a freshman majoring in something that won’t get him a job


How I wonder

what your full name might be.

As I read your crime log

your face I long to see.

Pot busts in Thurston,

BlackBerry snatched from a biddie,

when shit goes down on campus,

I look for you to tell me.

Oh, my T.C. Flowers!

Let’s go fuck in Ivory Tower.

-Team Copy

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