April Fools’ Issue: Puppies: The next great threat to America

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am here to tell you about the single biggest threat to American democracy, society, liberty, freedom, business, cuisine, and morality. No, I’m not talking about Obama’s socialist agenda, people with foreign names, or even Keith Olbermann. I’m talking about puppies. That’s right, first we hated liberals, then we hated community service, and now we hate puppies.

A new study by the Center for Homophobic Rhetoric shows that approximately 60 percent of all puppies have had at least one playful encounter with another puppy of the same gender. Even more disturbing, the majority of those encounters involved puppies from the same family. Now, some have criticized the study, saying that puppies are meant to wrestle, frolic and play games with each other. These liberal-fascist-anarchists say that it is the way God intended puppies to be. Let me tell you, there is nothing holy about homosexual puppies.

These canines are destroying the moral fabric of America. I mean, seriously, how am I supposed to be content in my marriage, at the workplace, or even by myself at home fantasizing about a Sarah Palin/Ann Coulter three-way when I know that so many puppies are having gay intimate relations. When puppies are free to choose how to express their emotions in the privacy of their own home in ways that I disagree with, America loses.

Think about it. First come two male puppies in a friendly game of wrestling, then the Democrats complete their socialist agenda with health care reform, and the next thing you know we will have mixed species, cross-racial, grandma-killing death squads on every street corner.

Our organization idealizes Ronald Reagan, and he once said, “I’m convinced that today the majority of Americans want what those first Americans wanted: A better life for themselves and their children; a minimum of government authority.” Of course by this he meant, a minimum of government authority, except for in the home, where we get to tell you who you love.

Now is the time to take a stand against puppies! Come to Kogan Plaza this Friday at 1 p.m. where we will awkwardly hand out inflammatory rhetoric to every fourth person who walks by while trying to pretend that we aren’t socially inept outcasts. Also, there will be bagpipes.

And if you think that I’m simply insecure because of my own repressed sexual urges, and lack of any physical relationship, you’re wrong.

The writer, a junior majoring in bigotry and president of Young Asshole Front, is so conservative that he has two right testicles.

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