April Fools’ Issue: Official: University poorly endowed

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Despite extensive measures aimed at reviving limp fundraising efforts over the past year, the University remains very poorly endowed, an administrator said last week.

“We’ve tried every method of enhancement we can find – scouring books, the Internet, and late-night cable ads for any idea that we think might work,” administrator Needin Kash said. “Unfortunately, we’re still coming up short.”

The school has been trying to solicit as much money as it can, but donors aware of how small the school’s endowment is have been reluctant to give it to them, Kash said.

Rather than stretch the University’s boundaries with new projects and initiatives, administrators say the weak endowment barely allows them to fill GW’s existing holes.

“We just can’t seem to hit the spots we need to,” University President Schemin’ Steven said.

Earlier projections had administrators expecting the endowment to grow in recent years, but that has not been the case. Rather than financially growing, as was hoped, the University is actually having trouble generating compensation packages for employees that want to leave.

“Our initial measurements were kind of exaggerated,” Kash said. “Perhaps we got a bit too cocky when erecting all these new buildings.”

Having blown much of the existing cash, Kash said the school now finds itself in a sticky situation as it tries to push ahead. Unless the University can get over the hump sometime soon, he said, it might struggle to please potential students or partners in business.

Some current students, like sophomore Virginia Yoo, said they felt GW was a school on the rise but are now disappointed by its inability to expand.

“I know they’re trying to do what they can with what they have, but I can’t help but feel unsatisfied,” Yoo said. “It’s hard to get excited when you know there’s so little to work with.”

With no growth expected in the near future, Kash said the school will need to make do with what is available.

“For now, the University will go with what we have,” he said. “But I’m not sure how much will come of it.”

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