April Fools’ Issue: Metro trains run without delays

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

Reports are coming in that Metrorail service ran on schedule Wednesday, leaving many customers both pleasantly surprised and highly confused as to what was going on.

The Washington Metropolitan Area Troublesome Administration could not explain why the system worked perfectly, but the National Transportation Safety Board is expected to launch an investigation to find out why.

“This is a big fucking deal,” Vice President Joe Biden said.

Commuters across the region were stunned that there were no delays, or even problems with escalators or elevators.

“I’m shocked this is happening. Maybe my sleeping medication hasn’t worn off yet,” said Hill staffer John Bourbon. “Is this for real? Is this real life?”

Trip times were reduced dramatically for most riders.

“Normally it takes me 45 minutes to get to work, with all the stopping and waiting for trains to move, and electrical malfunctions. Today it took like 15 minutes,” said State Department worker Anita Ride.

“It’s cool, but I don’t know what I’m going to do with an extra half hour,” she said.

Some passengers had difficulty realizing that their commute was over so soon and had to be escorted out of stations by Metro employees.

“One gentleman just kept staring at his watch and the trains that came by one right after the other. I had to pull him toward the exit,” said Irun Datrains, a station manager.

At Foggy Bottom, passengers exiting the station said they were filled with optimism about the future because of the flawless experience.

“I hope this keeps up. If trains can run on time, then maybe I can graduate finally and stop being such a creeper when I go to bars with my friends,” said GW graduate student Kevin Jenkins.

“There’s still hope for me,” Jenkins said. “God, I love Metro.”

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.